Just a few years ago I ran away from home and took my kids with me. As we approached the first Christmas following my husband’s death to metastatic melanoma, an unbearable sadness engulfed each member of my family. I did not know how we would make it through the holidays.
For anyone who has experienced loss, festivities like Christmas, Hanukah or Diwali can be tough. Celebrations become reminders that the deceased is noticeably absent. Colleen Clark, Child/Youth and Family Services Manager with Hospice Calgary, sees an increase in people looking for help during these times. “The holidays are pressure points for parents struggling to help their children while trying to manage their own grief," said Clark.
One of my sons grieved with anger. He wanted his dad back and until someone came up with some answers for the injustice he felt, he refused to do school or life. My youngest would draw out her sadness with markers on her bedroom mirror. My teen hurled into school activities, ignoring the pain by staying busy. I just tried to hold my family together while navigating through my own sorrow. We were all pretty miserable.
Finally, ten days before Christmas, I called my travel agent and said, “Get me a beach, a buffet and a direct flight.” We survived the first Christmas with beach therapy in Cuba. Did it help? To some degree but the real healing began when I discovered Hospice Calgary, a local agency that offers bereavement programs and services for individuals and families.
My introverted younger son began to see Claire, one of Hospice Calgary’s child/youth and family counsellors. She helped him to find ways to express his feelings about his father’s cancer, dying and death. After several sessions, I remember Claire asking him, “Where is your daddy now?” He drew a garden filled with flowers. My husband sat on a bench wearing his favourite hat. He was smiling. This wise counsellor helped my son to find safe places to store those painful memories and to find what he needed to re-engage with life.
My daughter attended a children’s grief support group. She called it her art therapy but I called it a godsend. At one session the children made memory ornaments to hang on their Christmas trees. While the kids met, there was a session for bereaved parents. Here I found the support of others who were going through similar experiences.
Through the passing years, I discovered that the agency was there whenever we needed them. Executive director, Sarah Walker, says that this continuum-of-care philosophy is the cornerstone of Hospice Calgary’s compassionate support. “We are here to help individuals and families as long as they need us,” she said.
Jay Pohl knows this only too well. In 2001, his wife lost her battle with end-stage cancer. The older girls, then 14 and 10, joined support groups for grieving teens and children and received individual counselling as needed.
This year, when Pohl’s youngest daughter started having nightmares, he never thought that grief would be the cause. When he asked her what was happening all his daughter could say was, “Daddy, I don’t know.” She was just a baby when her mother died.
“I remember Sarah Walker saying that children experience grief at different times in their lives. So we came back for counselling and recently went through Kids Club. Within weeks, the nightmares stopped and her outlook changed,” said Pohl.
Nowadays I have no need to run away during the holidays. Just the other day my daughter reminded me that Christmas is her favourite time of the year. For those facing similar situations, I would recommend connecting with the Palliative Care Association in your local area to find available services to meet your needs.
Judy Wark is a Calgary writer currently writing a memoir of loss and love during a time
of terminal cancer.