Hello Party of One; my heart goes out to you. The death of one's life partner has got to be one of the hardest things a person will ever go through. It certainly has been for me. My husband died 4.5 years ago from cancer and I am learning that grief will be part of me for the rest of my life. Yes, it is less intense than it was. Yes, I have learned so much and am trying to make meaning out of his life and death. But when love is great, so is grief. And for me, this is just the way it is. Realizing I could stop fighting my grief and learn to accept it has taken a lot of courage and resolve but it has made this journey a little easier.
Your sign off name, Party of One, is so brilliant. I take from it the overpowering sadness that you are no longer part of a "we". That no matter how loving family and friends may be, there is no substitute for that one special person who thinks you are the most amazing person on earth. Who remembers that you had a headache this morning and cares enough to ask if it's better now. Having someone to share all the mundane things in life (what will we have for dinner? Should we buy a new car?) Right through to the joys and celebrations of life. In fact, I am not sure I will ever feel joy in quite the same, carefree way that I did when I was deliriously happy with my husband. Do I have moments of happiness and contentment? Absolutely. Do I laugh? Yes. Is it the same? No. But I am learning that my different life can still have meaning and purpose. That I will always be loved, guided and protected by my husband's love. Believing this makes all the difference.
You are at a very early stage of figuring out how to live this different life that you are faced with. Try to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel -no matter how painful- as feeling the emotions is the only way to get through them. Think about little things that might make today a slightly better day. Perhaps a little treat to eat, a lovely cup of tea or special coffee or a talk with a dear friend who "gets it". Whatever. Allow yourself those moments to help offset the other moments where you can literally feel your heart cracking in two and you can't catch your breath.
I wish you the company of others who understand -really- understand - some of what you are going through. And talk about your partner with anyone who will listen. This is comforting and healthy. It brings him into the room.
Wishing you peace and some quiet moments of grace. Be kind to yourself.
Come back here as often as you like. We understand. Your grief will change as you grow and learn. It will not always be this hard.
Warmly,
Seeker