Good day everyone,
I am usually handing out the tissues and sending cyber hugs. But here I am again.
It's time to share a bit to all of you who are so wonderful at comforting those with loss, pain and grief.
I lost my Mom - in May. It was expected, it was a relief to me as mom had suffered a long time with dementia brought on by mini strokes. I had already begun the grieving process after my last visit to her a year before. Mom lived very far away and I couldn't just visit each day or each week. My Mom taught me how to be a caregiver, I learned from her, and followed in her footsteps.
I also supported and cared for a special needs grandchild - having left my job in long term care 4 years ago to do so.
It's the best thing I ever did - but it was also very hard on my heart.
Being a caregiver for clients is one thing. You feel empathy, you want to make them comfortable, you do it for 8 hrs. Then you go home.
It stays with you, you wonder how they are, but you pass off the "caregiving" baton to the next shift - and you go home to family friends, usual routines.
But when you care for a vulnerable family member for several years, day in, day out, ( that was my first two years) - its a lot.
Then after two years the situation changed, respite for family (and myself) began to happen. The respite hours were just two days a week in the beginning, then gradually increased to five days a week.
Despite my best efforts I still felt involved during that respite. I thought about my grandchild, her needs, her food, her medicine, her health. She also suffers seizures that aren't really visible to others - but I knew the signs, I responded with extra care, extra kindness when she raged and cried.
It is really hard to give up a child to others. She was and is my first grandchild. Her disability is inherited from me. I never knew about it. There was no way we could know until it happened. Genetic testing revealed the answers - but didnt relieve my pain, my guilt.
Now, my grandchild is 18. An age when most would be graduated and moving into an independent life, education, job, relationships, these things will not happen.
What does happen is a graduation to adult world (new case manager for that world, new paperwork, new status, new claims for funding) it's not just my problem, but it causes a lot of grief for the actual parents who must deal with all of this.
But my life has now changed a lot.
My grandchild now has 24 hr care with workers. She will go to school til she is 21.
She is adapting better than I am.
I need to have a break from the caregiving, but I never want to stop being a grandma.
Also, I completely moved into my own little apartment - and out of the family home - so it is a real adjustment. I am fortunate to have friends to talk to - and I am dealing with things - but some days I wake up and wonder what to do, wonder how my grandchild is, feel guilty for not being able to keep caring for her.
But I am making my life over - its been taking a lot of support but I am coming out the other side.
I wanted each of you to know that reads this - that we all get faced with things we don't want to face, that we can't control. I am so grateful for friends and family who listen to me over and over.
Being involved in the forum reminds me that we all are dealing with changes we don't want. It's hard when it revolves around the Heart, our loved ones, a personal slant. But be encouraged - we will make it.
I am so grateful to Colleen our moderator who is so kind, patient and thoughtful, so appreciate this forum and website for sharing inner most thoughts.
Hugs to you all who are travelling the same path, in different ways.
Sincerely,
NatR