Forums de discussion

Newbie here w/brother dying of cirrhosis @ hospice 
Créé par Soulsearching
01 mars 2021, 1 h 11

Subject says it all. My brother is 43 and dying of cirrhosis. We have him at a nearby hospice house until he passes. I'm hoping to find advice, comradery and information as we get nearer to his last days.
 
Réponse de 12
01 mars 2021, 2 h 00

Dear Soulsearching,

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my sister in May 2019, and I understand how hard this is.  The illness of a sibling raises so many issues, for me it was an enormous amount of guilt for being healthy. 

During my sisters last few months I found myself needing to take some time for myself. I went out for walks.. Watched baking shows.. Well, it was about distraction, which I honestly am still doing, and it helps..

My mother died of cancer in 1998.. We had hospice come to the house, the counselors that came along gave us great strength.. do they have counseleors where your brother is?

One thing I am really glad of, with my mother and sister, was that I was able to spend time with them over their last months. It sounds like you can see your brother as he is close, I hope you are able to share good memories. Although I realize that might be hard for him, it was for my sisiter. 

Please write anytime I get all of the threads and will respond. 

Best

12(Alexandra)
 
Réponse de Soulsearching
01 mars 2021, 2 h 16

@12(Alexandra) we are devastated. He's been in and out of the hospital the last two years but just learned about two weeks ago he was terminal. All his drs. ever said was he had liver failure. It wasn't until he went to hospice they told us cirrhosis. He has every end of life symptom. His bp is falling daily and he is so weak. I pray he goes peacefully however he think he's coming home. While the drs have told him otherwise, he is in denial. It's still so new & fresh to my family.  
 
Réponse de 12
01 mars 2021, 2 h 24

Soulsearching. I understand.. my mother was Ok.. I flew home, and had to return a week later to be with her.. I have been there.. 

It's so terrible to this happened so quickly for your brother and family..

It must be so hard for him to process this, and for you to be there for him. Are you able to spend time sharing at all? 

I am thinkign if you... write anytime..

Best

Alexandra
 
Réponse de Soulsearching
01 mars 2021, 2 h 58

I see him everyday at the hospice house. Besides being emaciated and unable to eat, he is ment aware of everything going on. This hit my mother and I very hard. His years of heavy drinking which he hid caught up to him. Two years ago he had a stroke and the drs warnes him that he was killing himself. He didn't listen and here we are, trying to tell ourselves he is very sick while he is very aware of everything. He thinks he's going home in a few weeks. I have yet to discuss his death with him yet. He -and some of my own self - is in denial. I feel terrible keeping this facade up but I can not imagine he doesn't know how serious this is. Living at a hospice house is not a rehab facility. 

As one would expect it's easier said than done to have those conversations. 
 
Réponse de 12
01 mars 2021, 3 h 11

A question.. is there someone there to help you decide when to let your brother know what is going on? 

Its normal to be in denial I think from my experience.. I was the one who needed to step in w my mother.. I had more perspecive I guess..

It is very hard to watch someone harming themselves. 

I feel for you and your mother.. losing a child at any age is very difficult. My father was 86 when my sister died.. 

They all say take care of yourself.. make sure you eat well.. 

I thik I might be in a different time zone from you.. I will check to see if you have written in the morning here..

Best

Alexandra
 
Réponse de Soulsearching
01 mars 2021, 11 h 15

My mother is not emotionally strong enough to tell him. Since we are limited to two visitors at hospice due to COVID, I'm the only one who can have that conversation with him face to face.

My brother is so young and I think his denial is what is helping him stay strong. My fear is if I tell him he may go downhill.

It is very difficult to discuss when he is so mentally aware. That helps keep us in denial; how could a young man who is still sharp as a tack be in the process of dying? Yet he is only taking in less than 200 calories a day at this point.

I am sorry to hear you have lost a sister and parent. It's a devastating course & one I would not wish anyone to travel.
 
Réponse de 12
01 mars 2021, 17 h 31

Hi Soulsearching

Thanks for writing again.. Denial seems to be such a part of what we have all gone through.. 

With my mother, my father and sister seemed to need it to cope.. I just stepped in when hospice needed to be called.. 

I was probably in great denial with my sister.. I am still not sure what happened.

I have lost many friend also to cancer.. its so hard.. not a straight line.. 

Take care,

Best,

Alexandra
 
01 mars 2021, 17 h 53

Hi, (sorry I realize this has become a long message!)
Welcome to the community Soulsearching. I am glad you found us. 12 has already demonstrated that this is a safe place to talk about the things that can be so crushing. You have so much on your plate right now – your brother and how he is physically and emotionally, your mom, how beyond sad this is for her and wanting to support her, and you – also a very important person in this family group.


I am wondering if planning to ‘go home’ brings your brother comfort? It sounds like maybe home was a safe, familiar place. He may be aware at some level that going home is not an option – but it helps for him to believe it is possible. Not sure if that makes sense, but I worked for many years with people and their families who were in hospice settings and this was true for some of those people who were patients.   Maybe it’s hard for him to talk about with you or your mother – because it brings you such pain. That made me wonder, as 12 mentioned if there were others in your family or at the hospice who could help you figure out what your brother needs and what you need. A third party so to speak – like we on the forum are.  There is another resource on the forum to perhaps take on that role - Ask A Professional


So glad you found us Soulsearching and your nickname tells me so much about you and the courage you possess – to search.


Warmly,


Katherine
 
Réponse de Allyson
03 mars 2021, 12 h 49

Hi Soulsearching,

I really don't have anything to add to the advise given by Katherine and 12.  Their words are wise.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, your brother, your mother and your family.  This is such a difficult situation.  

Others are holding you.

Warmly,
Allyson


Nos partenaires
Questions-réponses
Questions-réponses

Découvrez ce que les Canadiens veulent savoir

Consulter un professionnel
Consulter un professionnel

Notre équipe d’experts est là pour répondre à vos questions à propos des maladies potentiellement mortelles et de la perte d’un proche.

Simplement envie de parler?
Simplement envie de parler?

Participez aux forums
de discussion.

Livres, liens et bien plus
Livres, liens et bien plus

Recommandations de notre
équipe

Programmes et services
Programmes et services

Services offerts aux échelons
local, régional et national

S’abonner à l’Infolettre
S’abonner à l’Infolettre
  • logo
  • © Portail canadien en soins palliatifs, 2003-2024.