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not sure how to cope 
Créé par KimR75
06 févr. 2022, 17 h 29

Hi everyone, 
I lost my mum on January 23.  The last two weeks have been such a roller coaster and I've had days where I felt I was doing okay, but then I've had days where I've hardly been able to stop crying for more than a few minutes.  It feels like even the memories that should be good from before she started to decline, or even from my childhood are just so painful.  I wonder when it will be nice to recall our times together and not have it hurt so much.  What can I do to make it feel better.  I've tried thinking about how she made her choice to receive no further treatment and how she didn't want to suffer any longer or live like an invalid or in long term care, but that brings very little comfort.  If my mum and I weren't together, there was hardly a day that we didn't speak at least once.  Taking care of my kids and family helps keep me somewhat distracted, but the minute I have a chance to sit and ponder, or hear a song she loved, I'm a wreck.  I realize it's only been two weeks, but I guess I feel like I'm not sure if I can see a resolution to these feelings.  
 
07 mars 2022, 16 h 52

Dear KimR75,
For some reason this post did not appear until today. I am sorry about the delay in responding. 

Your mum sounds like a wonderful woman - one who will never be forgotten or replaced. I heard a grief specialist say a few weeks ago that it was important to take time to grieve. To take that 1/2 hour or hour or longer to be sad - whether that meant to cry, to write, to talk with someone else. To do what you need to do.

How has the last month been? Does writing or journalling help?

I know others will come along to support you KimR75 and I am sorry about the delay in responding.

Kind regards,
Katherine
 
Réponse de Allyson
07 mars 2022, 20 h 57

Dear Kimr75,

 

So sorry to hear about the death of your Mom.  It is a very difficult time when you lose a parent.

 

It has been 10 years since my Mom's death.  I still catch myself crying sometimes.  There is a very special and strong bond between ourselves and our Mothers.

 

When I was much younger I didn't believe that I would actually survive the death of my parents.  I really believed that I too would die when my parents were dead.  I didn't feel there was any point to living without my parents in the world.

 

I will not kid you, when each of my parents died it was very difficult for me.  So many things reminded me of them.  A wise person once said to me though that I could not feel their presence anymore because I still felt their absence so acutely.  But you know what, in time, I did survive and I did continue living. 

 

There still is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them.

 

Perhaps think of your current grief as a jagged stone in your pocket.  Each time you put your hand in your pocket the stone stabs you and hurts you.  Over time however, that stone will become smooth.  And instead of the stone hurting you, you will feel a sense of comfort from that stone (the memories of your Mum) instead.

 

There are many books of support available for you.  You can journal if that helps you.  There are some journals that allow you to put in memories and/or pictures, etc.  Do things that make you feel loved and connected. 

 

Be gentle with yourself.  Grief is a journey.  That journey never ends but it does  change.  Take the time you need.  It is your grief journey. 

 

I hold you in my heart.

 

Allyson
 
Réponse de KimR75
07 mars 2022, 22 h 13

Hello, and thanks to both of you for replying.  
Since I wrote this, I feel like there has been only a little improvement in my day to day dealings.  I have not tried journaling yet, but I think I definitely will.  I feel like in many situations, I have to be strong for the people around me.  Like they don't understand exactly how painful this is for me.  I have one friend that I talk to, and can cry with when I need to, but I feel like my family (2 kids and husband) expect that I shuoldnt be as emotional as I am still.  Its really only been six weeks. I have booked a peer support call with Bereaved Families of Ontario, and am considering reaching out for counselling as well.  

Like Allyson, I often thought that when my mum passed, I wouldn't be able to go on.  I feel like my family and my work are literally dragging me through most days right now.  I find very little that makes me feel happy or even have any sense of looking forward to things to come.  
I have many reminders of my mum around...somedays I feel some comfort from those things and some days, they just feel like painful reminders.  

But thank you for your words of support and wisdom.  You have both given me a good reminder to be gentle with myself and not to hold many expectations around how grief should proceed.  It will proceed as it should, and I need to let myself feel it and live it in order to let that stone get a little less sharp.  

I miss my mum so much, but I am so lucky to have had such a wonderful woman in my life that has made it so incredibly hard to say goodbye....

Kim
 
07 mars 2022, 23 h 15

Kim I am glad you have found some in person connection. I wasn't sure if you had seen these resources  Understanding Grief and When your parent has died.  Both developed by the Canadian Virtual Hospice with grief specialists and people who have grieved the death of a parent. 

If you choose to view them I would value your feedback.

Warm virtual hugs,
Katherine 
 
Réponse de Seeker
08 mars 2022, 22 h 25

Hi Kim; First, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mom.  As others have said here and as you know very well, if we are lucky, the relationship we share with our mothers just deepens over time.  As you say, how incredibly blessed you have been to have had such a wonderful person in your life.  The flip side of that, of course, is how incredibly hard it is to no longer have that person physically beside you.
My sweet Mom died just over three years ago and I miss her every day.  When both my parents died, I was feeling like an orphan and a wise friend reminded me that I will always, always be her daughter and my Mom will always be my Mom.  No one else can ever say that.  No one else can ever be that.  We are mother-daughter for all time.  I take comfort in that.  I talk to her, smile at many of the funny things that happened over the years and cry, too.  But that's ok.  Because she is my Mom and always will be.  How lucky is that?
Right now your grief is so raw and new.  I have learned to rest in my grief.  To not fight it or try to make it go away.  But to face it, to invite it to pull up a chair and to just get comfortable with it.  As painful as my grief is at times, it quietens the more I allow it to just be.  Whenever it shows up.  I allow myself to feel and let the grief wash over me.  And over time, the raw pain of this grief has been getting a little less devastating.  When I really ache for her, the pain doesn't last quite as long as it used to.

Will I miss her the rest of my life?  Absolutely.  And yes, that means I will feel grief and sadness too.  But I will also love her and be grateful for her for the rest of my life, too.  And that is what I am feeling more and more as I allow peace to be part of my grief.
I hope this gives you a bit of encouragement and I urge you to try to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel whatever you feel.  In time, it will ease up.
Sending you peace.
 
Réponse de KimR75
10 mars 2022, 0 h 40

Hi Seeker,
Thank you so much for your reply.  Like the others who have replied, I surely value your advice so much!  I am taking some comfort in the fact that people here are mentioning how the grief of losing their mother or father has played such a huge role in their lives and how it is still early days for me, really.  I was starting to feel as if I needed to try harder to pick myself up and move on because it feels like others have, but really, they didn't have the same relationship with my mum as I did.  They will grieve differently than I am.  
I am so grateful for the wise words of everyone that has replied.  I am beginning to realize this process is going to take some time and that that is okay.  I have to allow myself to not have to feel strong for everyone, even when I feel like thats what they want to see.  I know they are concerned for my wellbeing, but part of my wellbeing will be allowing myself to go through this in my own time and way.

I am cherishing every bit of support that I receive here.  

Kim
 
19 mars 2022, 15 h 41

How have you been Kim? 
Katherine
 
Réponse de KimR75
04 avr. 2022, 17 h 17

Hi Katherine,
Still having up and down days, but I have started looking at some of the links you included and I also started attending a virtual support group through Bereaved Families of Ontario.  The first session felt painful and raw, but the second session was helpful.  
This past couple weeks I have wanted to talk to my mum so badly as I had a few curve balls thrown at my with my husband and daughter going through struggles and trying to support them.  My mum was always my best set of ears and a shoulder to lean on, so it was hard navigating without her, but I feel like I did it.  I relied on some different people to help.  Its not the same, but still very much appreciated.  
Thank you Katherine for checking in.  Smile


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