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Losing a loved one to addiction

Créé par Chris's sister

24 mars 2024, 18 h 20

Hi there. I lost my baby brother to opioids on September 28 2023, and I'm having a really hard time coping. Its6a different type of loss that so many (thankfully) don't understand.

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Réponse de Katherine N (Katherine@virtualhospice.ca)

26 mars 2024, 13 h 37

Dear Chris's sister I am sorry that you have had to experience this loss. It sounds like your brother was someone you cared deeply about - and perhaps cared for at some points in his life too. Your nickname shows how you cared for him. For me, it's always been important to say the name of the person - they lived and were/are important in our life.

This is a safe place to speak your grief. We may not share the same grief experience, but we understand what it is to lose someone we loved. Another member, Ollie1968 started the thread, Lost my beautiful daughter May 1, 2020

You may have seen these resources already, but just in case: When someone has died related to substance use ;"When someone you know has died as a result of substance use, your grief may include thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are different from those you've had in the past. You may be left with painful questions or the sense that things are unresolved. You may be feeling isolated in your grief because others don't recognize your grief or avoid talking about what has happened, or because you are reluctant to share your experience with them." And When your sibling has died; "Regardless of the circumstances, you had your own unique relationship with your sibling, which will greatly influence your grief."

Have you found resources in your community of friends, family or colleagues? Are you finding it hard to find those resources?

Kind regards,
Katherine

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Réponse de eKIM

28 mars 2024, 1 h 20

Hello

I am so sorry for your loss. You have found a community of compassionate people to whom you can tell your story to help with your journey of healing.

What have you found that helps ease your pain?

Do you have people that you can talk to about this? Friends, family?

Are you receiving help from professional therapists?

Message us any time you wish.

- eKim

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Réponse de Ryans mom

21 juin 2024, 2 h 15

I just lost my son to substance abuse. We don't believe it was intentional but no tox results yet. I am only 6 weeks into this journey without my son. He and I were exceptionally close so his loss is destroying me. So far I am not able to work, sleeping ok with medication, hardly eating and physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I have my sons entire life of 33 years rattling around in my head. I am struggling with all the negative thoughts which are clouding any of the good times. I am racked with guilt. Did I not listen enough? Did I not help enough? I knew he had alco issues for a long time but I feel like I missed the part when the drugs started. I am at the point where I don't know how to carry on with the profound grief. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Tried grief counselling but that wasn't really helpful. Starting with a psychologist next week. I know what I need to do but doing it is proving much too difficult at the moment.

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Réponse de eKIM

21 juin 2024, 22 h 35

Hello Chris's Sister

Just checking up to see how you are doing. We're here for you if you need to get something off your chest. Have you received help from friends and/or family? How about professional help? Have you sought out any?
-eKim

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Réponse de eKIM

25 juin 2024, 22 h 50

Hello, Ryan’s Mom.

This is Michael (aka eKim), a volunteer here at Canadian Virtual Hospice.

I am so sorry for your loss and the stress that you are enduring.

I can’t imagine what you are going through. The closest that I can come to is to imagine this happening to one of my two grown children. I think that I would have the same reaction as you.

It can be said that your response is normal compared to others, but that’s no help, is it? It sounds like a platitude.

Each one of the issues that you mentioned can best be addressed by a professional, like the psychologist that you will be seeing. It sounds like you are on the right track by doing this.

I have lost 5 family members in the last several years. The grieving process is very difficult, I have found.

In our grief, oftentimes we become beautifully childlike in our neediness and vulnerability. We wish (just like when we were very young) for someone to hold us tenderly and tell us that everything will be all right, in time. Our intellect fights this, but our emotions desire it.

Everything that we are told in grief counselling is valid. It is a science developed over many decades and studying its effect on thousands of people.

We can see its value, but what if we are not able to take advantage of its guidance? What if we are just not ready?

As a hospice volunteer (I am not a professional) with 14 years of experience, I have seen this many times. Sometimes it is necessary to meet a person “where they’re at”.

If they are not ready to begin the long path on the road to healing (which suggests moving forward), then instead of walking with them, we must sit quietly with them until they are ready to move forward.

This is where the Canadian Virtual Hospice Forum comes in. We are a team of volunteers - compassionate companions and good listeners who love people and love helping people. We have suffered our own losses and understand that from great pain arises great compassion.

I have found that one great need that many people have is to talk about their loss, talk about their loved one.

Sometimes after the initial outpouring of support, the people that we thought would “be there” for us for the long term, have moved on with their own busy lives. If you still need to "get things off your chest", we are here for you.

If you wish, you can continue a dialogue with us by posting here – once a day/week/month or whatever you need.

You can post as often or as little as you need to. Don’t worry if you repeat the same things over and over and over – we don’t mind.

Often it is in the repetition that we discover our own answers which were hidden deeply inside ourselves.

Also, the act of writing can be very therapeutic.

Please come back to us here and we will try to help you find some peace.

- Michael

PS How is it going with the psychologist?

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Réponse de Ryans mom

26 juin 2024, 15 h 52

Thank you for your response. I have good days and bad days. My appointment is not until 27th June. I did try grief counselling with work assistance program but after two sessions it didn't help. I can't cope with the thought of never seeing my son again, never be able to hold him or kiss him. So many unanswered questions which deep in my soul I know will never get answered but my mind is not in that space yet. i am desperately trying to recall the good time with my adult son but this one bad trauma has clouded them all. I feel that if I was in my late 70 or 80's I would be able to accept it easier as I would be far off seeing him on the other side. Unfortunately I am not that old , only just turned 60 so the thoughts of the possible struggling for possibly the next 25 years or so is haunting. Evenings and nights are worse for me, likely related to the times that I would wait to talk to him after his shift was finished. I feel he has cheated himself out of a career he loved, a place where he loved and all his dream and ambitions are now gone. I get angry when I think of his reckless behaviour that cheated him out of his future and denied me of watching him succeed in his career and grow old. It is all so overwhelming at times.

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Réponse de eKIM

26 juin 2024, 22 h 56

Hi Ryan’s Mom

I love the fact that you use “Ryan’s Mom” as your “nom de plume”. This I believe is a very positive sign. Even though he is on “the other side” and you are here, you recognize that you will always be his Mom.

You said, “I have good days and bad days.” It’s nice that some days are good for you. You will eventually have more and more of them and fewer and fewer bad ones. That’s how it works over the long term for everyone who grieves.

I think that when you are undergoing such a huge trauma, it is important to notice the tiny steps forward – especially when you cannot imagine big ones.

Who knows, when the time is right, either group or individual grief therapy might work for you. The timing is different for everyone. For some people trying it too soon makes them give up on it. But it works well for them later on.

Does your belief system tell you that you will see your son one day on the “other side”? Does this bring you some comfort?

You mentioned, “So many unanswered questions which deep in my soul I know will never get answered but my mind is not in that space yet.” If ruminating is problematic, you might want to tell the psychologist. They will help you work on that to bring you more peace.

FROM GOOGLE: Rumination involves repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences. The repetitive, negative aspect of rumination can contribute to the development of depression or anxiety and can worsen existing conditions.

You said, “I am desperately trying to recall the good times with my adult son but this one bad trauma has clouded them all.”

Again, a very positive step, that you are trying. You seem to instinctively know what to do and are trying. Good for you. However, this is not something that comes quickly or easily.

For me, the loss of my Mom was hard. I felt a turning point when one day, a memory of her brought a smile to my lips instead of a tear to my eye. This took some time to happen, and the timing is different for everyone.

With love and support from friends and family and good counselling, you shouldn’t have to wait until your 70s or 80s to get comfort from believing that you will see him on the other side.

You said, “Evenings and nights are worse for me, likely related to the times that I would wait to talk to him after his shift was finished.”

Have you established a metaphysical relationship with your son now that a physical relationship is no longer possible? If not, is this something that you would like to work on?

Many, many people find comfort in “talking” to their loved one who has passed on. Remember, just because you cannot hear a response from them doesn’t mean that they cannot hear you.” Do you believe this statement to be true?

Anger at your son is a very common reaction. Again, speaking with the psychologist will be of help to you. The same holds true for feelings of guilt.

The benefit of professional counselling is to help you not be overwhelmed eventually so that you can find peace and move forward.

I wish you all the best with your experience with the psychologist. Keep us updated.

Sending you thoughts of love and peace.

- Michael

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Réponse de Ryans mom

27 juin 2024, 0 h 26

Hi Michael. I don't know how to form a metaphysical relationshi. I haven't actually had a single day yet that I have not had an overwhelming feeling of grief. As I said all the little things around our house are tormenting. Tried to eat a bowl of soup and my eyes wander to a slate tile on our fireplace surround. It is a cast of a dinosaur stuck to the slate that Ryan did. You are correct in the term rumination. I think my biggest problem is that I had a 70% relationship with Ryan. Ryan worked away in oil and gas, week on week off. He was so happy and different when at work. He had forward thinking, plans and ambitions. His work was a 5 1/2 hour drive from his home. Something would change in him during that drive home. The man who got out of the vehicle at home was completely different from the one who got in the car at work. He had so many issues. He was abusing alcohol when home, as a result he would go to a dark place. All events that happened to him were in his home town and he associated that with the reason he drank. Until recently I could not help him to understand that all his demons occurred as a result of his drinking, that alcohol fueled his dark thoughts and demons. I was so close to him he shared everything. He had told me that he had almost had no chance at anything after one weekend. I have since learned that he tried fentanyl for the first time just at the beginning of May. I talked to him at length about this and he appreciated how stupid it was and that he knew what devastation he would leave behind. By May 12 he was gone. His home relationship was extremely toxic and it was over but whilst theyvwere going to fix the house to sell, he couldn't afford to support the house and have a place of his own So he was trapped in the basement of a toxic environment on a mattress that another man had slept in. His partner was nothing less than cruel and manipulative. She manipulated situations in an attempt to sever the bond he and I had. She repeatedly demanded that their lifecwas private yet he continued to share every aspect with me. This was because she had absolutely no clue in how to support Ryan. Her "support" of Ryan was to ignore, not talk, be cruel and constantly make him feel worthless as a husband and a father. She plays the victim exceptionally well and continues this behaviour with us now Ryan is not around. She ignores our messages. There is no communication from her and we really need to see Ryan's 12 year old daughter. I thank you for your message as it just pulled me out of the overwhelming part of my day where I can't cope. I would like to develop a metaphysical relationship with Ryan. Ryan had his faith and this moment I am forced to believe he is on the other side and that I will see him again one day but even that thought is somewhat forced.

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Réponse de Ryans mom

27 juin 2024, 3 h 26

Something just clicked. I have explained about my son Ryan and his drinking and by drinking he allowed the depression to come along with his demons. I am exhibiting Rumination. I have never heard this term before but this single word and its definition has hit me hard. I now realize that this is what Ryan has been doing for a long time. when drinking, his explanation was always the same, he felt his brain was wired wrong, the demone always found him, very repetitive and very negative. This has made me feel so very sad. He used to tell me I wasn't listening. I was listening. I knew about his demons but I know realize that Ryan continually in drink was in fact Ruminating. I wish I had known that word a couple of years ago as now I see the increase in thlose very thoughts and the behaviour. I feel so guilty that I didn't know. He always said I didn't understand. He was so right.

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