How have you dealt with the incredible emotions involved with having a loved one's disease be terminal? I am completely overwhelmed and am having trouble sleeping and can only think about my dad... what do you do to cope?

Hello Diptera and Nanalovesu...

First i'd like to express my deepest sympathy to Diptera & Nanalovesu; in times of hardship that you are going thru, you really need moral and emotional support...There are organizations near you that have support group, and you may need to share all your emotional feelings to a 3rd person, to shed the weight...It is not easy to find the strenght and energy to go and look for help, but we have a responsibility to ourselves to go on and live with the loved ones who survive this tragedy. In the process,You may  be surprised to see how many people are going thru the same ordeal of losing a loved one...

First and foremost is to take care of ourselfves as Nanalovesu mentioned; physical care of oneself is the first step to do and one step at a time will bring the next step...Of course time is also a great helper in distancing from immediate loss...

I know of a lady friend who suddenly lost her daughter in an auto accident (the daughter was ran over by a SUV) ; the loss was so sudden that she was just numb and litterally paralyzed by it. But it has been a year now and she is slowly picking herself up, going to grocery shopping, seeing friends who support her during this terrible accident....The pain is still very vivid, but she managed to go about her business as usual...She does have friends who care for her, and this helps tremendously.

This story just illustrates that we still have to go on despite the pain inside...because there are other loved ones around you who still need you and love you as well.

Please take care of yourself despite the pain inside...

Thank you cocopham for your reply.  My husband passed away May 26th at home, I fullfilled his wish to be at home with me by his side.  Christmas time is here, and I can't stop crying.   I thought I had done all my grieving earlier.  Recently I spent 3 weeks away from home, to take time to heal.  However, as soon as I returned home, the memories flooded me inside.  I realize I have been staying at home in a box of memories, not wanting to go out.  Not knowing what to do or where to begin. 

My world has been turned upside down.

Dear Nanalovesu,

I feel so much for you during this XMAS season; since i dont know where you are, otherwise would love to have you as a guest for Xmas !!!

You may have to concentrate on seeing some close relatives; please dont spend this festive season by yourself, get yourself invited at ANY PRICE !!!

It will take time to heal and a few months are not sufficient to blurr some of the vivid memories you have with your husband...Yes the loneliness, the feeling of emptiness is there....As Lamartine (the french poet) said : Just that one person is missing, and the whole world is desolate !!!

If you allow my prayers to surround you and i am convinced that there is light at the end of the tunnel...I am sending you positive vibrations and pray very ardently for you, especially during this time of the year...

If you can afford it, how  about going to the sun with some true friends or relatives?? I dont know whether you have winter like we do in Quebec (Canada) but the sun also helps to bring some lightness to the soul...

Please write as often as you need, as we would like to share your grief !!!

With my warmest and deepest emphathy,

Hello nanalovesu

Welcome back to the discussion forums. I wonder, can one ever be done with grieving? As Fred Nelson wrote in his article Working through Grief "Grief comes and goes like waves. Some days the water is more turbulent or stormy, but on other days there is a sense of calm and a quiet lapping on the shore. Like the waves, grief has no endpoint. We can experience intense feelings of loss years after a death. Sometimes these feelings are triggered by a special date, event, or a significant time of the year, like the holiday season." 

Will you be spending this holiday with your children?

Colleen

Nanalovesu, I’m thinking of you. Even though it’s been 5 years since my Mom’s death, Christmas is still hard for me. It’s at this time of year, I miss her the most. Generally, I like to avoid the holidays all together by heading south. Last year I went to Cuba, it was great because it’s inexpensive to go and not so consumer-driven there, Christmas is not overblown and in your face like it is here.

I don’t think there is set timeline for grieving, each person experience is unique so don’t be in a rush to heal based on a perceived timeline.

To make get-togethers easier, maybe make a new holiday tradition with your family, so that you won’t compare it with ones you shared with your husband.

Hope this helps.

Dear nanalovesu,

I thought I had responded to you earlier but I do not think my message was transmitted. I want to let you know thst I am very much with you, and hold you in my heart. I am touched by your words" I thought I had done all my grieving".  Grief is such a mystery. It does not proceed in a neat or orderly way. It comes and goes as it will, and this makes it very difficult. Your pain and tears cannot be stifled, but can only be lived. Like cocopham, I am hoping that you will not be alone over these days of Christmas. Being with family or close friends can be very heealing, although it cannot take the pain away.

Evenings are probably the most difficult times. You can think of what is most nurturing for yourself at that time. Perhaps you could write a letter to your husband, expressng what is in your heart, and then be open to what he would say back to you. I think that would help me.

I don't know whether prayer has any place in your life. It certainly would be an important way I would live with my pain. Sharing my sadness and need to God in my times of pain opens me to possibly experiencing some of God's love and care for me.

Most of all, I sense it is important to remember, as the other folks are saying, that grieving takes time, and cannot be rushed, or wished away. As you live through the many different moments, gradually some light and hope appear. Especially if you can allow others to be present to you, and you go out to social gatherings even when you do not feel fully up to it.

I am praying for you, and sending you love.

Thank you to all who replied to my post.  It means so much to me to have words of understanding and encouragement.  Friends and family all seem to avoid the topic or are afraid to even mention his name.  That is sad for me.  I tend to cry when I am alone, cause it upsets my children.  My father told me not to cry on the day of my husband's funeral he said, I had to be strong for my family.  I regret not grieving that day.  Why are people so afraid of someone shredding tears?

Dear Plum1, know that I feel your prayers and love. Before my husband passed away, he told me there had to be a creator, a greater being such as God because we are too complex.  We are still trying to unravel the things we don't know about the human body, perhaps we never will.  I was there when he passed, and have to say it is an experience that has no words.  It was then that I prayed to God to end his suffering and set him free in heaven.  He is my Angel above.

To cocopham, I live in Manitoba and next summer I will be making a trip to Quebec to meet with my husbands family.  There we will be spreading Guy's ashes and finish the journey.  He will be home in Rimouski, Quebec.  I do have family here and we will be getting together on the 25th. Just not sure how it is going to go.  Thank you for the XMAS invitation, it certainly was tempting.  Brought a smile to my face and for that I thank you very much.

Yes, GirlWithTheBlackBeret, you have a very good idea.  Starting a new holiday tradition would help and I will be thinking about that one. I have to encourage and thank you Colleen for this place to post emotions and the info the Virtual Hospice provides.  Without it, I would have nothing, no place for help.

Wondering how Diptera is doing. Thinking of you and praying you are coping ok.

Dear Nanalovesu,

It is now December 30. Christmas has come and gone, and we now are looking to the New Year's weekend. I am wondering how you are doing. Were you with family over Christmas? How did it go for you? How are you feeling about the upcoming weekend? Perhaps you tried out a new tradition with family.

And I too wonder how Diptera is doing. I hope she will reach out again. I am holding both of you in prayer.

Plum1