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Making people respect decisions 
Started by Christmas baby
13 Dec 2022, 1:39 AM

My mother is dying. She has made her choices clear and I have respected those decisions. She has a terminal illness with no chance of meaningful recovery and definitely not to a quality of life she considers acceptable. 

I have explained the situation to her friends. I have made it very clear including using the words she is dying and yet every time they visit my mother they "raa raa" her. "Can't wait to see you back at home". "So glad your doing better", " let's plan an activity for you to look forward too" and the list goes on. I find that when they visit she refuses pain meds, tries to entertain them and has even played along. But when they leave she is drained and sometimes confused. 

Maybe this is selfish but I can't deal with it anymore. I want to scream and yell at them and refuse to let them see her. I understand hope and their need for a miracle but that's about them and not about her.

What can I say? What can I do to finally get the point across how hard it is to keep telling them she is dying? 

I am especially worried because she is exploring her options under MAID. What will they do to change her mind or add to her confusion? 

I am at a loss and it tears me up inside to keep repeating it. 
 


 

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15 Dec 2022, 1:08 AM



Hello Christmas Baby,


It sounds like you are in a very difficult position. Your most important role is that of daughter but in the relationship you describe here and in your earlier post you probably cook, clean, organize healthcare appointments, make sure medication is given on time and on top of that keep tabs on the visitors and work to protect your mother.


It also sounds like you and your mother have a warm relationship and you are her safe space – she is able to tell you what she is thinking and considering.  Do you think it would benefit both of you (if you have not already done so) to talk about the visits and how she feels about them? Perhaps you could tell her what you are seeing when visitors leave and how concerned you are about her.  When my husband was very ill, the role of gatekeeper defaulted to me. He had always been able to determine who to see and when and he loved visiting, but it became too much for him and when I took on that role, it meant he didn’t have to say he didn’t want to see anyone – I could do that for him.


I thought some of the ideas and thoughts in this article might be of some help to you.  

Tips for visiting 

Is there anyone among her friends you could talk to – who could perhaps help you in talking to her other friends? 

Kind regards,
Katherine

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