Hello Rupee,

I feel overwhelmed just imagining losing three beloved family members within a period of eight months. How does one make sense of this sort of catastrophic loss; how does one keep putting one foot in front of the other to move through it. 

I contacted my friend S this morning after reading your post.  Her sister died suddenly three weeks ago and her only beloved daughter died of a particularly virulent form of breast cancer about a year and a half ago.  I thought perhaps she would have some words of comfort to share with me to then pass on to you.  She thought about it but said ‘no’, that she had no words, that she was afraid of saying the wrong thing.  Which is funny because that was why I reached out to her: because you and she have a shared experience that I have not had to go through and I thought that whatever she said would be more authentic than anything I could offer.  All I know is what I have seen through walking with S:  how totally heartbreaking gut-wrenching traumatic and horrific it can be to watch one’s beloved child suffer, lose hope, decline and die when she has so much to live for, especially children who need her.  S’s daughter M, like your daughter, had 2 children who were 7 and 3 when she died. 

And knowing even this much leaves me tongue-tied.  “I’m sorry for your loss” just doesn’t do it!  You already know from previous life experience that life will never be the same again.  You understand the wild roller coaster of grief that you’re facing. And it is clear that you have immense courage and a deep reservoir of strength that has carried you this far and will help you through the weeks and months ahead. All I can offer is empathy and admiration.

Your situation is certainly made more complex by the concurrent loss of your grandchildren into the care of their father.  I hope you will be able to negotiate a regular schedule for them to come and stay with you.  I’m thinking the familiarity of your home and the depth of your love will be important to their own comfort and healing.  And certainly having them around, though perhaps at times bitter-sweet because of the memories they trigger, will be a blessing and over time a source of joy to you.  I’m glad also that you have your elder son as a support through all this.

Holding you in my heart,   Mert