Hi,

I need to share something and also need to vent some deep emotions.  As you know it is hard to find someone who will listen and understand.

I have difficulties to focus on my life and not think about suffering and dying soon. This is something that happen often, let me give an example.  Like this last time at the grocery, I am there, and I don’t want to be there, I’m just too tired (and in the need to let go another good cry), I want to be in my bed and sleep and forget about all this and then wake up and feel all right.  I try to push myself and to think positive, positive, positive: “I’m here, walking, breathing... how come I cannot enjoy these simple moments?” it depress me more.

I look around me and see ordinary people doing their regular grocery.  This reality is not mine, I feel like I’m in a horror movie, being in a car at high speed, without a driver, knowing I will crash in any moments... but wait, it is worse than that – I am trap in a body, that is so sick and broken that it is dying... with me inside!.

I am now 4 months from the first chemo  treatment for the recurrence of my inflammatory breast cancer; it is now in my lungs, bones, pelvis and femur.  I was treated initially in 2009 and I knew it was an aggressive cancer with high risk of recurrence and I was dealing well with this.  I just don’t understand how come I cannot stop having those crises where I feel so sad and miserable. I use to be a pleasant and smiley person and despite I can have good days, they are becoming rare.

I am consulting with a onco- psychologist every weeks, but I cannot wait 3 or 6 months of therapy to recover my life, I need those months!  I have an emergency to live while I am still able and not too much in pain.

I am wondering how do you cope with the reality of facing death in the daily routine, I so wish I will be resilient soon.  Thank you for your listening and feel free to give you input.

(As I am a french speaking, I hope you wont mind the writing mistakes...)

Friendly,

Suzanne

Dear Suzanne, I am you and you are me, fighting the same battle, day in and day out. Your right, it never goes away. I have been living with Metastasis Breast Cancer now for almost 3 years. I have learned and it took a while, one day at a time, only live in the present, even if it's a bad day. I found thinking about the future was impossible, and I would roll up in a ball and not function. I now live for the day I am in, whether it is a good day or bad.
I have strong faith in God and I know it will be so much better on the other side, but the leaving and the dying while you are living is very hard. One day at a time and enjoy each minute of that day. If you let the dying part overwhelm you, you will lose yourself. I want everyone to know I can do this with my head up, and being strong right up to the end. I am here for you, and these ladies on the blogs have helped me so much, because I have also found someone to listen to me, and I feel like I am not alone anymore. Anne Marie please send this on, I could not log into the hospice site, Thank You, Just hope I can make some what of a difference.