Forums de discussion

Confused and left out 
Créé par Sad sister
01 déc. 2021, 16 h 16

My younger sister was diagnosed with an agressive cancer this past Feb. We tried EVERYTHING to help support her positive success. She was always eager to participate in efforts, 2nd opinions, etc etc. We would always make sure she felt in control - that she wanted the options, was not pressured, etc etc. She would ask for what she wanted and we would always help. I would make sure it was what she wanted. She never told me she made a request for assisted dying.  I thought we talked about everything.  One week she asked for my help with an expensive second opinion (she paid) and then the next Wed she had her husband tell me she was scheduled to die the next day and i wasnt allowed to talk to her about it, ask any questions or even cry in front of her.  I visited her for a couple of hours, tried my hardest, told her i loved her like crazy and then left.  She didnt want me there the next day. I spoke to her that morning for 2 minutes and 37 seconds and then she said she had to go because she was in pain. Again, no mention that she would die shortly. Only an I love you. She was my heart. She then died 1 hour later with her husband, daughter and my mom by her side.  She said she wanted to protect me. I am so upset, dissapointed, angry. She didnt tell me this is what she was thinking of doing and gave me less than 24 hours notice, blindsiding me while allowing me to believe we were working on something together. I would have honoured her decision. Why didnt she tell me or my mom before hand?  I am just striken with grief and really really confused and upset.
 
Réponse de Maggie502
04 déc. 2021, 22 h 06

First of all I want to extend my condolences to you for your loss. 

On September 16, my only sibling, my big brother died after bravely battling cancer for more than two years. His cancer was under control for two years and he received excellent medical care. Unfortunately during that time because of Covid restrictions I couldn't visit him because we didn't live in the same country. It seemed like if anyone was going to beat this awful disease it was going to be him. In early September he suddenly had a crisis and was sent to ER  by his oncologist because he had fluid build up in his chest cavity. 

From there things deteriorated rapidly. The cancer had metastasized to his brain. They were planning to use targetted radiation but he ended up in ICU because everything about the cancer just escalated so quickly.

i can't really comment on your sister's decision but I have realized how awful this disease can be. My brother didn't want to talk about his disease. He would always say he felt good. But in his last week he told me how he felt more tired each day, and how he was experiencing double vision, difficulty breathing and pain. He had always been physically fit and active, full of energy. It broke my heart to hear how he was suffering and everything he was going through.

i can't comment on why your sister didn't choose to confide her decision in you, I can only speculate. Maybe she didn't want to upset you, or maybe this felt like the right decision for her and she thought you might try to change her mind. All I can say is that you'll probably never know but that if she was in pain and decided this was right for her then that was her right to choose. 

I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this pain and sorrow. I hope that one day you'll be able to understand and accept her choice.  
 
Réponse de 12
04 déc. 2021, 23 h 31

Hello Sad Sister

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am another sad sister. My sister made the same choice as yours. I tried everything to get her to change her mind, I had many months to do so. She was supported by a family member, and there was enormous anger directed at me. 

It is a terrible choice to make, my therapist said you never know what someone is thinking or why they make their choices. 

It is so sad for you that you were given such a short phone call, and were not there. But I do think it is important to remember that your sisiter  said she wanted to protect you.

Again, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. 

Best

12
 
Réponse de Allyson
05 déc. 2021, 17 h 26

I hold you in my heart Sad Sister.

I really can't imagine what you are feeling.  I, too, would have felt blindsided and bewildered and so deeply sad.  Not sad that she made the decision she made but sad that I was not there by her side while she died.  It is difficult to understand someone's actions especially when you believe that things are clear and transparent and everyone is on the same page.

Dealing with the death of a very very close family member or friend is for me the most difficult pain to endure.  You don't want the person to die but you sure do want to be with them when they are dying.

I hope in time that some light will shine on this situation and that you are able to know more around what was happening for your sister in making the choices she did.

Take the time you need to be angry and sad.  Perhaps in time you will sense a peace around this very sad and difficult ending.

May your grief journey be real, unrushed and cleansing.  May you find the love and support you need.  Any may your Sister, in time, be a great source of strength and love for you over your lifetime.

I will continue to hold you Sad Sister.

With love, Allyson
 
Réponse de Sad sister
07 déc. 2021, 20 h 15

Thank you everyone for your support and words. They are really helping.
 
Réponse de Sad sister
07 déc. 2021, 20 h 16

I am sorry for each of your experiences - they are hard to go through and we can all benefit from our support of one another.  Hugs to you all. 
 
Réponse de 12
07 déc. 2021, 21 h 30

Dear Sad Sister

I hope you are doing OK.. I have been thinking about you.

In case this helps.. I joined a suicide survivors group . it was for family memvbers and friends who had lost someone. everyone was asked to not share details, and it was a great support.


Take care,

12
 
Réponse de AMT
08 déc. 2021, 4 h 18

Hello Sad Sister and all of the other sisters on this thread. I am a volunteer with the virtual hospice. I have been reading this thread develop over the day today. I haven't posted anything because the level of wisdom, judgement and empathy you have all expressed with each other did not need my jumping in. 

I do want to share that even amid the exquisite pain you have each described feeling I'm noticing care taking, interest, respect and compassion. 

As I say good night to this day I will keep you in my thoughts.
AMT
 
Réponse de Miriades
24 janv. 2022, 18 h 07

Hi I hope you are better, almost two months later Just wanted to jump in to add an hypothesis.  
Maybe your sister felt that she would disapoint you or that it was hard for her to stop fighting and you represented the part of her that could fight. Maybe she felt lightly ashamed of her choice and could not easily look you in the eye after all the positiveness you threw in. (I hope she did not feel ashamed though) 
At some point when it is too hard one has to stop worrying about others. Communication is hard. They may look rude but they are acting just to survive the next minute. I love 12's answer that you must remember that she said she loved you and that she wanted to protect you. You have to stick to that. 
You can only presume that she had caring reasons to exclude you. Maybe the people she included looked ready to let her go and she needed that so strongly.
 
Réponse de Maggie502
24 janv. 2022, 21 h 44

I'm finding that the grieving process ebbs and flows. There are days that I feel ok and other days where the reality that my brother has died just washes over me. It doesn't help that winter is here with days where there's no sun and even on sunny days it gets dark early. Sometimes I just want to scream because it hurts so much to have lost him. Both my parents are deceased and we were a family of 4. Now I'm the only one of my immediate family left. I have grown chiled and they've been supportive but I don't think they truly grasp the extent of my loss. He was my big brother and and now he's gone. I still have so many unanswered questions about his final days and weeks. Because unfortunately he tried to act like everything was fine. And we never really talked about how serious his illness was or the prognosis. 

This may sound simplistic, but some days I just wish I could turn back time back to before he was diagnose. My brother lead a healthy lifestyle and was physically activeand so full of energy. So I never thought about him dying. His death has also created a lot of anxiety for me thinking about mortality and illness. I'm working on behaviou modification for my anxiety and it's helping. Doing a lot of relaxation breath work and gentle yoga as well. 

I've been offering support to my sister in law, my brother's wife but I've come to the conclusion that he was the only bond between us and now that he's gone there doesn't seem to be any kind of connection. So I wonder why I even bother reaching out to her. 


Nos partenaires
Questions-réponses
Questions-réponses

Découvrez ce que les Canadiens veulent savoir

Consulter un professionnel
Consulter un professionnel

Notre équipe d’experts est là pour répondre à vos questions à propos des maladies potentiellement mortelles et de la perte d’un proche.

Simplement envie de parler?
Simplement envie de parler?

Participez aux forums
de discussion.

Livres, liens et bien plus
Livres, liens et bien plus

Recommandations de notre
équipe

Programmes et services
Programmes et services

Services offerts aux échelons
local, régional et national