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Nightmare 
Créé par Scratchy
30 déc. 2020, 22 h 23

Hi all, I'm new here, looking for other people to talk to. My bf and I were only together for a few months when he got diagnosed. It's been quite a trip. As we were still learning about each other, all of a sudden he's sick, and  I'm taking care of him and everything. He was well this past year, bit now things don't look so good again. All of that I can handle, it's just now we are fighting alot, not talking to each other sometimes. He's not the most communicative, he's a manly man. So it's hard to sit and get feelings out. Just hoping for some one I can talk to here.
 
31 déc. 2020, 16 h 52

Dear Scratchy,
Your thread name seems very apt. It must seem like a nightmare.  

Your relationship seems quite new too and as you say you were getting to know each other, but with the diagnosis and your very supportive presence you probably have had to skip several steps in that 'getting to know you' process.

Do either you or your bf have other supports? Have you been linked up with supports at the treatment centre? I know that covid has changed in person activities, but maybe there is someone you could talk to by phone who could help both of you. 

I have found that being able to express thoughts in a safe environment can do wonders for my soul. Please know that you are safe here.

Warmly,Katherine
 
Réponse de Nouce
01 janv. 2021, 2 h 15

Hello,

 

It'svery hard when a loved one isn't able or interested in communicating, even in good times, let alone when you are facing a critical time as you are. I remember saying things to my partner that were unkind and even ugly, and then feeling horrible.

 

Do have compassion on yourself. You are in a very difficult situation. I hope you will find someone(s) nearby to share with. Holding you in the light.

 

Nouce
 
Réponse de eKIM
01 janv. 2021, 16 h 24

Who cares for the caregivers?  Well, you've found the place, Scratchy.  I hope we are a "Scratch and Win" for you.

We simply are a collection of Compassionate Hearts who reach out to comfort "Hurting Hearts".  Sort of like a VirtualFamily.  But a family that will listen to you.  A family that will not judge you.  A family to whom you can say ANYTHING.  Just "get it off your chest".  

You have a hard "row to hoe".  But perhaps that's why you were "chosen".  You have what it takes, but you maybe are just not sure about that YET.  That's the keyword, YET.  Let us help you "GetYourYet"

I'm from the 60s - a retired hippie.  I will always remember the Beatles, "I get by with a little help from my friends."  Well, here we are- your friends, Scratchy.  Scratch on us, we can take it.

Your friend, eKim
 
Réponse de Mert
01 janv. 2021, 18 h 24

I'm so sorry for all you've been going through. What's playing in my head is the old song "You Always Hurt the One You Love".  It is so common as to seem almost inevitable that when we're struggling with any sort of loss---loss of a loved one, loss of health---we go get lost in the 'dark emotions' of sorrow and anger, and the anger gets directed towards the person closest to us.  The really had thing about this in caretaker/cared for relatiolnships is that the person who is doing all she can to look after the other is herself in need of some acknowledgement, gratitude, sympathy and support at the same moment that the 'cared for' is lashing out at her just because  his unprocessed feelings around his loss of health are fuelling frustraton at the whole world of healthy people ("why me???"), and she is the nearest target.  Every couple struggles when both of them are stressed out and needing something from the other at a time  when both of them are exeriencing themselves as running on 'empty'.

And then, as you have alluded to, there's the whole 'big boys don't cry' thing that makes it so hard for 'manly men' to acknowledge vulnerability and express their feelings.  That increases the likelihood that sadness will end up being expressed as anger since that's really the only emotion that the traditional gender rules dictate men can express.

So all this to say that you're not alone in what you're experiencing: not alone in that any couple wold be struggling in your circumstancews, especially since as you said you had insufficient time to build a strong foundation beforee illness stole centre stage; not alone because you've reached out for support to us, and hopefully you'll find others to reach out to also.  You have to fill your own tank in so you can be the strong one; to priorize self-care in order to care for someone else.

Mert
 
Réponse de eKIM
01 janv. 2021, 20 h 35

What beautiful and wise words, Mert. 

No one could have said it better.

That is why having several people respond is so good. 

If 5 respond and only one of the messages "clicks" with the person who is hurting, then it is all "so worthwhile".

eKim
 
Réponse de Scratchy
29 janv. 2021, 16 h 45

Thank you everyone for your support. I took all your kind words into heart and cried with each word. Things are getting worse. Cancer is worse our relationship is worse. I feel helpless, useless, unappreciated (I know it's selfish). Dealing with the cancer and the thought of him not being here is something I'm coming to terms with. It's the mean words while I'm trying to care for him. It's his stubbornness...he won't even ask anyone to drive him to treatments, or to help with anything. I feel like what am I doing here? We've only been together 2 years. 1 and a half of it has been with cancer. As I read this, I know I sound completely selfish. I should just be here for him, which I am...and I understand why he's being this way...he's dying. I guess I'm looking for how to cope with very sick not nice right now guy. 
 
Réponse de eKIM
30 janv. 2021, 0 h 57

Hi Scratchy

As a volunteer in a residential hospice, I always tried to have the attitude, "Look at it from their point of view.  Whatever attitude they have, they are entitled to it - no matter what I think.  I have no idea if I would be nice or nasty if I were in their shoes.

Having said that, I know that this Pollyanna attitude of mine would disappear in a flash if I was the person's partner, and if I had to put up with what was coming from my loved one.

First of all, if you were my daughter, I would be so proud of you.  I would say, "What a fine, amazing woman we raised!"

So you are not my daughter, so instead, I'll call you an EarthAngel.  In my 10 years in palliative care, I have met scores of them.  They are actually pretty easy to spot.  They are the ones - like you, Scratchy - who put someone else's needs before their own.

Love is the hardest thing we do as humans, because, with great love comes great pain.

You are not underappreciated by everyone, Scratchy.  In fact, as your life moves forward, some of the people who will appreciate you the most, you haven't even met yet, but you will.

What goes around, comes around.  I believe that good things will ALWAYS happen to good people.  And you are a good person, Scratchy.

The world could do with a lot more sweet people like you.

Love, and peace to you.

- eKim
 
Réponse de Mert
30 janv. 2021, 2 h 39

Scratchy, my dear, I agree that you are special as shown by the fact that you are still there when others finding themselves in a relationship that never had time to grow strong roots and bonds would by now have headed for the hills. The first thing I would ask of you is that you stop being so hard on yourself; please stop calling yourself 'selfish'.  It sounds to me like you are trying to care for and comfort a partner who is still immersed in anger at the way his life has been brutally foreshortened.  He did not choose this; there is nothing he can do to change it.  Where is the resulting frustration to go other than onto the person closest to him? Also you remind him just by being there and being healthy that he is dying and you are not.  Perhaps in part you are feeling helpless and worthless because these are his feelings which he just can't process right now so you end up carrying them.  The fact that he has so much difficulty asking for or accepting help suggests how hard it is for him to face his own vulnerability.  
So mostly I'm telling you what you already know.  What I really want to talk about is how you take care of yourself in the face of all this.  First, no 'shoulding' on yourself; no calling yourself names; you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation and doing it well. Second, self-care is not the same as 'selfish'; if you're going to have the stamina to see this through you need to take care of yourself.  You need some 'time out' for yourself every day.  When you've had enough, throw on your parka and go for a walk.  When you're tired, treat yourself to your favourite things:---a hot bath, a good book, a bit of Netflix, a glass or wine, music, yoga---whatever refreshes and renews you.  Being a good caregiver means taking good care of yourself so you have the stamina and the emotional strength to look after the other.
I hope this isn't too 'preachy'.  I just want very much for you to give yourself credit, as eKim says, and to be kind to yourself.

Mert
 
Réponse de Nouce
31 janv. 2021, 14 h 49

Dear Scratchy,

 

I'm holding you. The otherrs have spoken wisely.

 

I know what this anger and "selfishness" feel like, intimately.

 

Your feelings are a way of your body telling you that you need to be loved.

 

You are loved.

 

Nouce


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